I Grieve
by Lionna Mouri
Summary: After-series, angst, yoai implications, deathfic, songfic


Title:  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Rating: PG/PG-13ish  
Started: May 30, 2000  
Completed: May 30, 2000  
Type: song fic/ angst/ death fic  
Song: I Grieve by Peter Gabriel  
  
There is only one I recall  
But it was all so different  
  
Staring straight into the night, Duo sat beside the window unmoving. Quatre hid off to the side in the   
shadows, not wishing to disturb the other boy.  
  
The American seemed to be looking through the windowpane yet not seeing the dark night speckled with   
stars. Instead he imagined gentle hands plaiting his hair for the first time; an older man sitting off to the   
side, smiling gently.  
  
Indigo-violet eyes slowly moved from the glass to the curtains as new thoughts entered his mind. 'There   
were only them who cared… you love me differently… it's not the same. Is it what I want?'  
  
Nothing yet has really sunk in  
  
::Flashback::  
  
Duo ran barefoot through the ocean waves, laughing at the feel of the water tickling his feet. 'The war's   
over! It's finished! Done with! No more fighting!' He stopped mid-stride and turned back to his friends on   
the beach with a huge smile. "It's over!" he shouted, still not quite believing it.  
  
He continued to romp about in the waves, not caring anymore that the others weren't joining in. Heero sat   
silently for a long while until he finally stood up. Making his way to the edge of the water, he suddenly   
sprinted towards the unsuspecting longhaired boy. Heero tackled him into the water with a splash that   
made all the pilots look up.  
  
"I'm being attacked!" Duo yelped when he finally was able to surface for some oxygen. He blinked in utter   
astonishment to see Heero floating just beside him.  
  
The Japanese pilot slowly let the edges of his mouth turn upwards. "Baka." Duo just stared at him with his   
look softening. 'Suki… da…'  
  
::End::  
  
Looks like it always did  
  
Duo stood from his seat by the window jerkily. His movements were stiff and forced, nothing seeming right   
to him. He walked to the bed that seemed so lonely and empty for the past week. He stopped and stared at   
the sheets that were hardly rumpled.   
  
The rest of the room was as it always had been when he'd first moved in with his lover. The laptop still sat   
atop the desk, still ready to be turned on at a moment's notice.  
  
"Only… thing missing…" he trailed off and from the shadows Quatre could hear the hitch in his friend's   
voice.  
  
This flesh and bone  
Are just the way that we are tied in…  
  
Quatre drove the unusually silent Duo down the tree-lined streets. Trowa and Wufei would already be   
awaiting them at their destination. Chancing a look at his best friend, the blond noted that Duo's usually   
beautifully emotional eyes were dead and flat. Just as they had been since…  
  
The hospital came into sight and Quatre parked. Both young men left their seats silently and walked into the   
building, it being a routine after a month of doing so.   
  
As always, Wufei, Trowa, Quatre, and Duo greeted one another softly and solemnly before the American   
slipped into the private white room accommodating their other friend. The door clicked shut softly and Duo   
leaned against it for a moment as he controlled his breathing. 'Don't cry. I must be strong for him. He can   
make it through this…'  
  
"Yo," came the soft, husky voice from the clean, white bed.  
  
"Yo," Duo responded shakily. He managed to step towards the figure and knelt beside his lover. He placed a   
chaste kiss on Heero's brow before leaning his head near the other's shoulder. "I miss you."  
  
"I haven't left," Heero replied. His once piercing cobalt eyes had dulled down and grayed, revealing how sick   
he truly was. "Physical contact isn't everything, itooshii…"   
  
Duo swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. "I know," he whispered hoarsely.  
  
"I won't ever leave you," Heero continued softly.  
  
"Don't…" the American told him quietly. "Stop… I… don't want to hear…" He began to tremble with unshed   
tears.   
  
"Duo…" Heero whispered, focusing on him finally and lifting his fingers to trail through Duo's bangs.   
"…Duo…" his voice seemed faint and something struck Duo in the middle of his chest. He quickly grabbed   
from the pale hand and held its palm to his lips.  
  
"Heero…? You're…"  
  
The ex-gundam pilot closed his dull eyes and murmured. "I'm tired…"  
  
But there's no one home  
  
Quatre dropped Duo off in front of the little house that belonged to Duo and Heero. The blond mentioned   
going to pick up food and Duo brushed the comment aside, not really caring. He entered the house and   
flicked on the lights. For no reason at all he called, "I'm home!"  
  
There was no reply and Duo shut the door. He slipped off his shoes and then continued to the bedroom   
where he'd lock himself in for days on end until he could visit his lover again. Pictures of the five friends and   
others who helped throughout the war decorated the walls, Duo had insisted.   
  
With an anguished cry, Duo suddenly pulled down one of the framed pictures of the five pilots standing   
victorious. He threw it against the far wall and whispered, "This is no home. There is no more love."  
  
I grieve… for you  
You leave… me  
  
Quatre returned to the house only to hear various noises coming from the bedroom. He hurriedly set down   
his packages and ran in to find Duo stiffly putting away all the pictures from the bedroom into a box. He   
continued on to pack the other items in the room, ignoring Quatre.  
  
"Iya, Duo… don't!" Quatre moved forward but Duo's dead glare stopped him. "Duo… don't do this…"  
  
"I'm not blind, Quatre," he choked out. "He's not going to be coming back. He's not going to live." The box   
he was holding dropped from numb fingers and he collapsed to the floor, sobbing among the broken frames   
of favored pictures. "He's going to leave…" he whispered, "just like the rest of them…"  
  
"Shh… Duo…" Quatre comforted, holding his friend tightly and crying along with him.  
  
So hard to move on  
  
Duo swallowed the lump in his throat as he left the hospital room once again. That day marked the month   
and a half stay at the hospital. Coincidentally, it also marked the anniversary of three years after the war.   
Three years of relative peace.  
  
'Oh dear God… don't let him go… he deserves this life. Let him live… please… oh please God…' He stopped   
and leaned against a wall to let the tears fall. Nurses passed him, glancing at him briefly before going on   
about their business.   
  
Still loving what's gone  
  
::Flashback::  
  
"Oi! Look at this! There's a perfect window to watch the sunsets! Look, Heero! Look ~~~!" Duo hopped   
excitedly from room to room with Heero slowly trailing after, a funny smirk on his face. "The bedroom's so   
bare! We've gotta get pictures up and stuff! Onegai, Heero?" He turned wide, pleading eyes to his lover.  
  
Stifling a chuckle that wanted to make its presence known, Heero gazed at his impatiently waiting lover.   
"Fine."  
  
"Arigatou!" Duo cried, glomping onto Heero's arm and rewarding the ex-Wing Zero pilot a sloppy kiss.  
  
"Oi, oi…" Heero stopped him. Duo looked confused and tilted his head to the side as he was pulled into a   
tight embrace. "You can't just get away with that…"   
  
"Oh I'm – mmph…" Duo's sentence was cut off as their lips met in a heated kiss.  
  
::End::  
  
As Duo walked through the parking lot and towards the streets, he traced his lips with a feather light touch.   
It had seemed eternity since he had been able to hold Heero that way.  
  
Still life carries on  
Carries on and on… and on… and on  
  
Quatre helped Duo with making dinner while Wufei and Trowa worked on cleaning up the house and   
removing the glass shards still embedded in bedroom carpet. Duo hadn't slept in the bedroom since,   
preferring to camp out on the couch.  
  
"There's a new movie out, want to see it?" Quatre brought up casually.  
  
Without a second to think about it, Duo answered in Heero's monotone, "Sure."  
  
"Okay, we'll try and get tickets for tonight then."  
  
"Yeah, I guess…"  
  
Duo paused to stare out the window and retreat to his own thoughts. 'Why don't you come with us, Heero?   
You need to get out, we never get out. What happened to us… all of us… what… why you?'  
  
The news that truly shocks  
Is the empty, empty page  
  
Heero sat wide-awake in the dark hospital room. One of the nurses had finally relented and given him a   
laptop to work on once he had begged her to do so. He couldn't come up with what to type. He didn't know   
what to say… wasn't sure how to feel exactly.  
  
'I'm dying and I don't know how to feel.' He snorted and looked at his skinny arms. 'There was a time that I   
wouldn't care if I died. Why did that time have to pass?' His mind provided the image of a smiling, American   
boy. 'Yes, of course, Duo… I'm so sorry, itooshii… this isn't what we'd wanted, is it? And finally to be settled   
and everything set up. I'm so, so sorry…'  
  
He continued to stare at the blank document for a long while until his fingers began to write out the words.   
In the end Heero could feel wet droplets slipping back along his jawbone and trail down to his chin.   
  
"Gomen nasai," he whispered aloud.  
  
While the final rattle rocks  
Its empty, empty cage  
  
All four friends walked down the hospital corridor talking lightly of the movie they had gone to see the   
previous night. Finally they reached their friend's room and all four halted with a sick feeling in their heart.   
The door was open and within were three nurses carefully and calmly unhooking equipment around a   
covered figure.  
  
Duo made two steps and then fell to his knees. Nothing coherent came to his vocal cords or his mind.  
  
"Oh… Allah…" Quatre gasped, clinging tightly to Trowa's shirt.  
  
The nurses looked up and gave forlorn looks to the four young men. One hesitantly stepped forward and   
said, "The patient said to give this to… um… Duo Maxwell…?"  
  
Duo took the envelope offered and let his hands fall to his lap. Unfolding the letter, he read it. Tears were   
slipping from his eyes and finally he jerked himself to his feet and moved towards the covered figure in bed.   
The nurses made to stop him but he pushed through them and peeled back the blanket.  
  
And I can't handle this  
  
'He's so peaceful as he always is when he sleeps… oh God…' Duo stared at the closed eyelids and he   
suddenly spun around and pushed his way through the door and down the hallway. "No! No… no… oh God   
no… no…" he denied over and over, repeating his words like a mantra.   
  
"I can't… no… oh God no… liar… Heero… no…."  
  
I grieve… for you  
You leave… me  
  
Dearest Duo,  
I'm sorry that we did not have a longer time together. I know everyone you have loved   
has left you and I regret that I will do the same. I have never loved anyone the way I loved you   
and I wonder if it's the same way for you. I hope to find out, I really do. It's been so long and I   
doubt now that I'll be coming home to see our house, our home. It must be so quiet and I   
wonder if you've kept it clean? I know what a mess you usually make.   
Remember when we all went to the beach after the war to celebrate? I tackled you for   
the hell of it and never realized that I would end up committing myself to staying with you.   
You know I hate promises, they're much too easily broken. I cannot, however, deny you   
anything… including promises. So I promise that I won't leave you. I'll always be with you.   
This flesh and bone is just the way that we are tied into this physical plane. I can never leave   
you if you promise to keep me in your heart. I'm so tired, Duo. I need to rest. Ai shiteiru zutto.  
- Heero -  
  
Let it out and move on  
Missing what's gone  
  
Duo was still and silent throughout the opening of the funeral, not truly comprehending his lover's death.   
The other ex-gundam pilots sat beside him in the first row along with Relena Peacecraft, Noin, Sally Po,   
Une, Dorothy, Zechs, and Hilde. No one had ever thought that the so-called 'Perfect Soldier' would be dead   
like this.  
  
'Perfect Soldier… they don't know him.' Duo grunted softly to himself. He was hesitant when he was called   
up to speak and feared that he might collapse from the light-headed feeling.   
  
Finally he made it up to the podium and stood, silent for a few moments. When he looked up he felt   
everyone watching him. His face remained emotionless though his breath felt labored. "Heero Yuy is the   
most incredible human I know. And I will note now that I will refuse to refer to him as 'was'. There is no   
'was'… his body has died and that is all, just his shell. That shell is what hid his emotions. You may think he   
doesn't have emotions… but think again. He's human like anyone here. He loves, he felt pain, he   
understands… so much. At one point he told me that he didn't care if he died in the war. This isn't the war,   
now, and his shell has left." Duo drew a deep breath. "He doesn't wish to leave yet, I know, and I also   
know he'll live on in our hearts. For, I quote, 'This flesh and bone is just the way that we are tied into this   
physical plane'." Carefully he stepped away, unable to continue on anything anyone else said.  
  
See life carries on  
  
"I'd like to say," Quatre said, the next speaker, "that Heero has left behind many friends. He did not have a   
family that I know of… that is… no relatives. I believe something important to note to everyone here is that   
Heero Yuy did, and still does, have a love. Though they did not make it widely known, Heero Yuy and Duo   
Maxwell were more than mere intimate friends. It goes deeper than that, the bonds. It's more than you   
could ever wish for in the perfect marriage. These two were complete together and I never saw Heero so   
happy as when Duo was with him. I believe that the one thing that kept him alive for so long was Duo   
Maxwell."  
  
A startled gasp had gone up through the church when it had been revealed who Heero's lover had been.   
Relena looked more than shocked and stopped dabbing her eyes for a moment and stared at the American.   
He gazed back at her with dead eyes and suddenly she began to cry softly again, this time for the pain Duo   
was feeling. She stood up quietly and went to sit beside him. Those in the first row were a little stunned, all   
knowing that Relena had always had an on-going grudge against the American for shooting at Heero upon   
their first meeting.   
  
"I'm sorry that I never knew," she told him softly. Relena embraced Duo and the two cried softly with one   
another as support.  
  
See life carries on and on and on  
  
Other speakers came up to talk of Heero, one of them being Zechs. He focused mostly on the Heero Yuy   
that he had known, the pilot of Wing and Wing Zero. He spoke of the astonishment of finding a young boy   
to be the one piloting the strong gundam. He spoke of being the opponent but then of being an ally.   
  
Life carries on in the people I meet  
And everyone that's out on the streets  
In all the dogs and cats  
In the flies and the rats  
And the rod and the rust   
And the ashes and the dust  
  
After the funeral services, Duo escaped his friends and began walking slowly down the streets of the city.   
He felt so lost but slowly he began to pay attention to those around him. There were still so many people   
recovering from the war and all had been hurt horribly. 'They haven't given up…'   
  
"You leave me with no choice…" Duo murmured. He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and studied each   
person as they moved around him. Some ignored him, others took a moment and looked into his grief-  
stricken eyes.   
  
'You'll wait for me, I know… there's no rush…' A weary smile tugged sluggishly at his lips and Duo moved   
onward through the crowd of people.  
  
Life carries on and on and on and on  
Life carries on and on and on  
Life carries on and on and on and on  
Life carries on and on and on  
  
Wufei took Duo's offer and moved into the fairly empty house that had once held Heero along with Duo.   
The American fixed up a room for his Chinese friend and the two got along together fine. Throughout the   
months following the funeral, Trowa and Quatre were nearby to help support the hard times sure to follow   
Heero's death.  
  
Months quickly turned to years and everything rushed by so fast, it seemed.  
  
Just the car that we ride in  
The home we reside in  
The face that we hide in  
The way we are tied in  
As life carries on and on and on and on  
  
"Relena's finally turning over her job to her daughter, she'll probably do just a good a job as her mother."   
Duo gave a small smile. In the past he had never been on good terms with the Peacecraft daughter.   
Something had changed the day of Heero's funeral, though. An understanding finally was settled and the   
two accepted one another and had since became rather close friends.  
  
Wufei snorted from the couch, "Heh. Another woman running the job, why didn't she ever have a son to   
take over?"  
  
"Wu-man you are so sexist," Duo responded, rolling his eyes lightly. "We're not in the pre-colony days, here,   
women hold just a big of roll in society as you do!"  
  
Peering at the American through half-closed eyes, Wufei muttered more to himself, "Was that supposed to   
be an insult…?"  
  
Duo laughed and hit Wufei playfully on the shoulder.  
  
Life carries on and on and on  
  
Quatre and Trowa stopped by some years later to check on their long-term friends. The door was answered   
by a very tired and drained looking Wufei. He greeted the two weakly and motioned them in. "It's great to   
see you, really, I'm just too drained to do much."  
  
"Is everything okay?" Trowa questioned, slipping off his shoes and following after the Chinese man into the   
kitchen.  
  
Sighing, Wufei shook his head. "Unfortunately, no. Duo caught something a while back. He refuses to go   
into the hospital and I'm not about to force him – he'll just slip out anyway. I've been keeping an eye on   
him for the past week but I don't think I can do anything…"  
  
"He'll be joining Heero, then?" Quatre asked softly.   
  
Silently Wufei nodded.   
  
Did I dream this belief?  
Or did I believe this dream?  
And will I find relief?  
  
Duo opened his eyes at the sound of floorboards. "Hey Wu-man," he started, all prepared for his hoarse-  
sounding voice. He was startled when he found himself talking quite normally and with the tone he had   
owned during his younger days just after the war. Startled, he sat up and found that he felt fine. "Oi… what   
gives?"  
  
"What do you mean, what gives?" came the irritated reply. "You're just being lazy and sitting there. I've   
been waiting for ages!"  
  
"Huh?" Duo turned with wide eyes. "No way… yume… yume…" He shut his eyes and rubbed his temples.   
"Yume… I gotta wake up and not…"  
  
Strong hands encircled Duo's wrists and he peeked his eyes open. A piercing, cobalt blue gaze met him.   
"There's a lot to do, don't joke around!"  
  
"Hee… Heero…?" a little more than baffled, Duo reached out and traced Heero's face. His skin was warm   
beneath the touch and oh-so-very real. "I just… how…?"  
  
Heero turned Duo around to face the bed. Lying on the bed in which once had been Heero's room as well as   
Duo's, was a older, male form with long, braided hair. Duo quirked an eyebrow. "Seriously?" Heero nodded.   
For a while the longhaired _boy_ seemed to consider what was going on. "This is weird…"  
  
"Think about that, later," Heero murmured, wrapping his arms about Duo. "There's a lot of catching up to   
do…."  
  
"Hai, itooshii…"  
  
I grieve  
  
"I'm sorry to see him go," Quatre whispered softly. "At least… I know he's with Heero, they'll be together   
finally…" Trowa silenced the blond with his hand resting on a shoulder. Wufei remained silent as he brought   
the sheets over Duo's head.   
  
'I wish you happiness, Duo, you deserve it.'  
  
~~~ Owari ~~~  
  
1  
  
1  
  



End file.
